So, 2009 is coming to an end in the blink of an eye. That’s really really fast. Next year will be a year of hard work, stress and just another chapter of my life that i have to overcome. A major year for me i guess. But, here comes those nostalgic feelings i have. Those memories and just simply, everything. Having been through so much this year, it’s really hard to say bye to 2009 just like that. A year just passes by so quickly. At the beginning, we were all longing for the arrival of a new year. To begin a new day, a new week, a new month. But here we are, getting closer to a new year, 2010. Time flies. There’s so much i want to write, yet my mind seems stuck right now.. Sigh. So this year has been pretty alright i guess. But mainly many changes around. People changed, things changed, the world changed too. Don’t you find that sometimes time brings changes? Many changes indeed. I’ve experienced so much over the year. Those heart breaking moments, those misunderstandings, those fun/memorable/happy/crazy/retarded/lame times with my Bestest people. No doubt, i really miss those times.
Firstly, to my dearest and bestest friends.
Thanks for EVERYTHING! I really mean E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. Hahaha. Especially to Prash, Rach and NA. You guys really make my day every SINGLE day. Without fail, seeing you guys always make my smile with all your jokes, nonsense and craps! All that making fun and just laughing at each other. Man, what will i do without all of you? :( Love you all really very much! <3 Will dedicate a post for every single one of you soon. :D
Secondly, to the love of my life, R.
Baby, thank you for being through so much with me this year. I must admit, it has been a pretty rough year for both of us and next year will be an even harder one. :( But nevertheless, i still hope we’ll continue to be what we promised to be. At least i hope its a promise. You were always there for me no matter what. It really pains me to see you cry that night. Seriously. My heart was literally breaking into pieces seeing tears flow down your cheeks. I never want you to cry in front of me again, it felt so painful. :’( I know i’m really unreasonable and xiaoqi. I’m really sorry. I hope you’ll forgive me.
I tried logging in to tumblr yesterday but it didnt seem to direct me in. Oh well. I feel so down now. Look at my title. This is what i’m doing right now. Running away from my problems time and time again. When i faced it, it hurt. Telling you everything that i’ve been feeling was a great relief. But what did i get in return? The same old thing or a better you? I don’t know anymore. My heart’s breaking, tears are falling, everything’s falling apart. But what can i do? I’m not going to scold or flare up at you. I’m tired, i really am. No matter how much i say, i get the same old thing in return. Now it’s really up to you. Do you truly want to save this relationship of ours or are you just letting it go….? I know, one day i’ll lose you. But i really don’t want to. You’ve became my everything and i really cannot imagine how life would be without you. But if letting you go would ease my pain and make you happy, i wouldn’t mind. All along, i feel that if two people are really destined to be together, they would always be no matter what. I hope we will. What can i say? It’s my mistake, for falling in love with you. But the truth is that i need you, i really do. Tell me seriously, what can i do? I miss the past, i miss you, i miss us really very much. I wanna cry so badly wishing you are by my side now. But i guess you’re just having fun with your friends as usual.. I really want to talk to you the way we used to. But all’s gone now. I can never have the past again. It’s killing me so badly now. Can i just have a minute to pour my sorrows out to you? A minute wouldn’t kill. Would it? Something’s wrong with us, and we need to solve it TOGETHER. Why am i solving it all alone? You seem so distant now… I tried reaching out but you ran away unknowingly.. I want to catch you back. Can I? Or when will you realise that you should come back? Will it be the day i disappear in your life or will you make it just in time? I wish i hope i pray.
Well as you can see from my title.. That’s how i felt when i saw those pictures. I mean… who wouldn’t? Or is it just me…? I don’t know.. Man, it’s really tearing my heart into pieces. Last night’s talk was not really futile. I said my piece, but all i get was silence. I didn’t get any ways to improve or anything. But all i know was he love me very much. But isn’t that such a script-written answer? What i truly want is he to give me constructive comments and way to improve this relationship. To sort out our differences and to really tell how we’re feeling. I didn’t want to bottle up my feelings. But if it you don’t try to make it happen, it will never relight again. It takes two hands to clap. It’s like i’m trying so hard to reach for your hand but all you do is stay that the exact same position and not moving forward at all. But instead, moving backwards. I really feel like telling you lets just move on with our lives. I really hate feeling this way you know. The point is you don’t even understand how i’m feeling. You’re always so caught up with you own stuffs. Did i drop from being the first to the last? Or is it that i’m no longer there? All i have now is i don’t know. It feels like i’m there yet not there in your life. Should i just get out of your life? I think i really should. Besides, it won’t affect you that much afterall. We can still be friends. I hope. And if it’s fate, we’ll always meet and take a step together again. In the meantime, all these i’m feeling is just pure crap. Easier said than done, remember? I do. I suck, a big time. I CANNOT lose myself.
Whoa. I feel so down now. I really don’t know why… But i guess i do actually.. To think i’m trying to run away from all these problems again.. What should i do? I really need someone to guide me. I’m thinking of breaking up with R. But i can’t seem to let go. And i really don’t want to. But it’s killing me so badly inside. I don’t want to wait. I want to numb my pain. But it’s easier said than done. But why am i doing this? I want myself to know that he isn’t mine anymore. You know, i don’t like missing him so much. It really hurts so badly inside to miss him so much yet i can’t show it. To think he thinks it’s really easy. I mean, i hate the feeling of missing him so much yet he doesn’t even show that he missed me. I feel so unappreciated. I tried to hard to keep myself busy. But every time darkness falls, those feelings really overwhelmed me. Crying has become such a routine. I feel so hurt inside. Yet all i can do and put on a nice front to show that i’m strong. To show everyone how unaffected i am. They’ll see through how sad i am inside. Well.. maybe some of them knows.. But i never told them the truth of how i’m feeling.. It sucks. I don’t like feeling neglected. But yet i’m feeling it that way.. It really pisses me off. And those really indifferent replies and talking.. I don’t like it. I hate this feeling. I really do. When would you start to realise these? Will it be the day you lose me? I don’t know.. I hope you do soon. But when will i get that opportunity to tell you? Please… ? )’: I want to give you a chance before i pierce my heart and let you go.
Well, i’m back from camp. (: Overall, i think i did enjoy myself. Especially the late night talking with my friends. Man, all those things that we never expected to talk about. Hahaha. It was awesome i tell you. Somehow i guess it brought us closer. Though at times, we have some misunderstandings with some other people, we will be fine in the end. I’ve learnt a lot during the camp. Many life skills and of course, leadership. Oh and there’s something i have to admit. I felt really upset when i saw him leave. Furthermore in front of my very eyes. The sadness was really overwhelming. But i didn’t show it, i put up a brave front and pretended that i was alright. But i guess somehow i failed. My friends saw me through. You know… i felt that the camp made us drift apart. I was angry with you because you didn’t seem to care about me at all. You were in your own world, enjoying yourself. Not even an sms from you in the morning. But i know you still love me. From that phone call on the second night. I really miss you, very very much. So long since i last talked to you on the phone. And of course, we hardly even communicate. I miss the sweet you. I miss being with you and feel loved. I miss you very badly. I guess you’re having a great time over at Bintan. And i’m happy that you are. I dreamt of you last night.. I was by your side and we were watching a celebration (or something like that) of a cruise. I guess it was at vivo city. I miss your presence. Yesterday, Joy asked me if we will be able to go through a longer period of time together. I didn’t know what to say. I wanted to say yes, but at the same time many thoughts raced through my mind. Will it be possible? I don’t know. I gave a vague reply, “maybe”. I can’t wait for you to be back. And i’m really afraid that i’ll lose you. I’m really scared that we’ll drift apart. You know as the saying goes, ” The hardest thing to do is to see the person you love, love someone else”. I don’t want that to happen. I need you. Without you, i can’t sleep well. I keep waking up in the middle of the night to check my phone. To see if you messaged me. I hope you’re alright. I want to give you a big hug. And i’ve broke my promise of not crying. I did, last night. I can’t wait for you to be back. What will be next? I don’t like these feelings i’m feeling. It hurts, a lot. )’: My stomach is aching to badly since morning. Diarrhea i guess. Alright, i gotta use the toilet. Will post soon. Love you, Sweetheart. Missing you as always. ): <3
Oh no. ): I’m crying again. This sucks. Why am i so weak? WHY. Z please stop crying. you know you can. STOPP PLEASE STOP. why did i even start? I know why. But i really need to avoid it. All the disappointments are just getting too hard to bear. I need to stop. I need to freeze. I need my heart to stop feeling pain. i need to stop CRYING.
Hello! Tomorrow’s SL camp. Well, i suddenly don’t feel like going. I think i just don’t have the enthusiasm? Sigh. Man, whats wrong with me these days? I think i’m expecting too much from R. Maybe i should just let loose and well, let him do whatever he wants. I think i’m just TOO overprotective. But why? But perhaps it will be a good thing that he goes overseas for a few days. I really need time to think through everything. I’m so confused and stressed up. I keep crying these days. I don’t know why. Is it because i’m just so sad inside? I think i am. It’s just these brave front i’ve been putting up all these time. It’s not me. Not me at all. But who am i? I mean, nobody can ever be themselves all the time. It’s just a fact that we’re always putting a shield in front of us whenever we around people. Even people whom we’re closest to. When can you ever be the real you then? Yes, happiness makes you, you. But what about sadness? Do you show this side of sadness to anyone? What do you display more? More of sadness or happiness? Sadness just lies within you. It doesn’t show sometimes, but you feel the pain in your chest. The feeling that everything is falling down on you. But at this point, who can you turn to? Everything just lies in your hands. Choices you make that will undoubtedly make an impact in your life.
I love you. How i wish i could just be in your arms forever and never let go. Someone please safe me from this misery of sadness that cannot be explained. Everything’s changing, including me. What will be in time to come then?
The next time i blog, i guess i’ll post something on memories. But for now, God, please bless me with happiness during the camp. Oh, and R to have a safe and enjoyable trip. Thank you. (:
Well, i’m back again. So… today’s the last day that we have to go back for holiday lessons. Boy, i sure heaved a big sigh of relieve. Man, there’re just so many homework that we’ve to complete. Oh and i don’t really get Amaths. Sigh.. I hope that tuition starts soon. Anyway, had SL meeting today. It was alright i guess. Met up with GY and the mentors. Met a new Mentor too! Then had lunch with them and R came along. Well, i got quite mad with him. He’s just so disappointing sometimes. I really hope he’ll do well for O levels. To be honest, it’s for himself and me and also his family. Ever wondered what will happen if he does badly? How will his parents react man. I mean, his dad doesn’t really approve of us being together… What if he does badly and his dad thinks that i’m the cause of it.. I bet he’ll just break us up or something. I really can’t afford to lose you, my dear. ): For now, all i can do is pray that God has His plans. I really hope he’ll do well. God, will you help me? Please. Another reason why i was angry is because he doesn’t even put in effort in his work. I seriously think he’s just wasting his time and effort. I pray hard that he’ll get into a good JC. I strongly believe that he has what it takes to excel. He’s a smart guy. (: Oh well, i reallyreallyreally pray hard that he’ll do well. At least give him a 10 points? Ii’m sorry, R, for treating you so coldly just now. I love you very much. Anyway, i looked at him from the corridor. Looking at his back view, it really made me smile. Or at least, my heart tickled and yeah, i felt nothing but pure love. I love him just so much. Now, what can i say? Today, i just realized that i still feel that kind of heart racing thing in my chest whenever people mention about him or i see him. I don’t know why too. Though i thought that all these affections will only be felt at the starting points in a relationship. It never appealed to me that after so long,i still feel that same way for him. I mean, don’t people have this feeling only when they’re falling in love? Most importantly, i’m in love. With YOU. The One for me, always. Anyway, goodbye for now. My eyes feels kinda blurry now. Which says, i’m tired. Alright, time for a break. Missing you, my dearest. Hoping that we can meet tomorrow. *prays hard* :D
Whoa. Yesterday was really a great oh wait, or should i say, a relieved day. So i walked into the restaurant, not knowing that N was there. Until i sat down and took a glance and realised it was him. HAH! Well, my initial feelings were kind of weird. I didnt dare to look at him directly as i was afraid it will end up as an awkward stare. So in the end, i told myself that i’ll just walk out bravely and smile at him. To my surprise, he did too. I still thought that we’ll just ignore each other as usual. I was quite happy with that though. At least, it proved that even though we couldn’t be lovers, we could still be friends. It has been a long time since i last talked to him. And yeah, there was always this awkward feeling between us. So anyway, he messaged me after that and said he was sorry for all the hurtful things he said last time. To be honest, i was quite mad last time for all the things he did. But as time went by, i forgot all about it and moved on with my life. The sorry he said really came unexpected. As far as i know him, he never really says sorry to anyone. So yeah, i was honoured. Furthermore, he gave his blessings to me and R. I am really grateful for that. Well, i felt really relieved yesterday. It was no longer like a awkward feeling or liking or whatsoever feeling. But a feeling of meeting an old friend again. The feeling is just amazing. The feeling of clearing all the hard feelings and misunderstandings. Well, to N, i just want to say a big thank you to you. At least, i didn’t lose a friend after all.
Man, now i really miss you, R. ): I remembered the time when we were at the bus stop near my house. i lied on your shoulder and before i left, i asked you if you wanted a hug. Haha. i really don’t know why i said that. Anyway, the feeling’s still there, every time i pass by that bus stop. After all, it’s a place where our feelings for each other build up. It’s a memory that will never be forgotten. (: I love you, my sweetheart. I hope you’re missing me too.
051109
As i said on the previous post, i will be posting something for you. Well, i can proudly say that we’ve been really really awesome. Happy one year anniversary, my dearest. Maybe one year seems really short. But it can be really long too. Depends how you see it. I really enjoyed the past year being with you. Last year, this time, we became as one and not two anymore. We managed to overcome our barriers and accept on another, not just as a friend, but something more. Hah! The good old days. To think that i was so afraid and worried on that night, worse, not being able to sleep for the whole night. I thought i was wrong and i felt so stupid at that point of time. But nevertheless, i plucked up my courage and said my piece. For a moment, i regretted it. I didn’t want to get into another heart breaking situation again. But whats done cant be undone, can it? Well, i did get the answer i wanted in the end. Happy times i had. Really great times that i will never forget. Not even the tiniest details with you i will forget. You just mean so much. Now, and i hope always. :D Thanks for giving me all these times. Though i do feel really upset and disappointed sometimes… But well, it’s the love so strong that made a difference. Trying to hate and forget you is not easy. But i don’t wish to too. No doubt we had a misunderstanding on our anniversary, but all is solved. I’m glad that we managed to spend some time together. I was very happy and even though it wasn’t something special or what, it was just enough. Feeling your love was the greatest gift i can ever get. I hope you like the present i gave. I’m happy to see you loving it. At least, my efforts didn’t go to waste. I love you. :D
School has been a bore. But it’s also making me feeling all nervous and scared. O levels are just in less than a year! Sigh. I really pray hard i’ll do well. Less than 10 points for L1R5!!! I WILL/MUST WORK HARD! Oh and tripod camp was quite alright. Though i didn’t really enjoy it to the max. Oh well. At least i made a new friend. :D And i got to know more stuffs… Hehe. Next will be SL camp! I’m not looking forward to it now… I dont know. I just dont like M! And i’m afraid i wont be able to catch up on my studies next year due to the sec one orientation. Sigh. And and… you leaving and all. I dont know how i’ll take it. It’s too much to bear. Please don’t go… If i could do anything that i can to stop you from leaving, i would definitely. )’: I think missing you would be the worse. I would be crying every now and then for sure. No… I don’t want you to go. PLEASEE?!?!?!!? ):
